It's occured to me that I've been going about my life completely wrong yet again. In fact not 'again', there was never a pause in between that would allow it to be again, I've just been doing it wrong continually. Instead of concentrating on myself, as in being myself, living myself and working towards and for myself, I've been focusing on nothings and immediately unattainable things. Things that I've spent literally days thinking about; doing essentially nothing but thinking about them, barely focused on the music i listened to, the pages i've read or the conversations I've held. Tonight is probably the first time I've verbalised to somebody else what I've said to myself a dozen times before, that if i can find something, or multiple things, that can occupy me and advance me, and essentially just work for myself, then everything else will hopefully eventually fall into line.
But instead i convince myself that by thinking about these nothings that they're somehow more of a reality. If anything the opposite is true, as my memories end up distorted from over use, every detail of them so meticulously thought over that the original feelings they gave me have vanished completely. And i end up trying to memorise the last time I remembered them fondly, instead of the memories themselves. I don't believe anybody needs to contribute or create something, but I do think i could do with the distraction.
I'm always slightly concerned that posts like this come across as the writings of a suicidal loon. Rest assured no-one holds my well being closer to their heart than I do. It would be fair to say I have a love/loathing relationship with myself, but the loathing purely because i know i would be much happier if I would apply myself in any kind of direction. Unfortunately I've yet to find a way to decipher this in my inner consciousness.
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